Thank you and Goodbye

Look, this is not a surprise right? We both knew this couldn’t last.

We had some good times tho didn’t we? I'm not even gonna mention the bad, we both know what they are. Let's just end this by focusing on the good times we shared, shall we?

I still remember the first time we met. Yea, I’ve seen you around for years before that, we shared a few brief moments and what not… I’m talking about when we first met, really got to know each other. Remember that?

Spring of 2001. I was hung up hard over some girl. Seems silly now, but I had it bad. Only you knew what to say to me to get me to relax…not a damn thing! You were just there. I’ve always appreciated that.

It was cold that night and your warmth filled my core. I remember quite vividly the first time you touched my lips. I was awkward, I know. I knew it was coming, but didn't know what to expect. It was the kind of first kiss that belongs in movies. A whole body experience that had my head feeling light and dazed while a tingle ran down my spine. Your taste was paradoxically cold and minty, yet warm and surprisingly bitter (i mean no insult, just being honest), completely new, yet strangely familiar. I was immediately engulfed in your sensation while my conscious mind battled to focus on my 'problem'. A losing battle, of course, which is why you were there in the first place. We spent hours on that porch, sitting in silence, staring up at the stars, feeling as small and lonely as they were. Don't know how I could have survived that night without you.

And when I awoke the next morning… there you were, across the room, just waiting for me. I was shocked, a bit taken aback, but most of all, strangely, glad to see you. I told myself then… this is just a rebound, were not right for each other, theres no way this is gonna last, its just for now. Hell, before that night, I didn’t even like you. Somehow tho, I think I knew even then, somewhere deep inside, that this was the start of something that was gonna last for a while. ha! how little did I know...

For almost 9 whole years now, I’ve shared every achievement with you, and every failure. You were there in my darkest moments and my brightest. In truth, you probably know me better than anyone. Now, I’m not gonna play around with that word, love. Its not that, and its never been. Let’s call it what it is. I needed you. I couldn’t go anywhere without you, thought about you constantly, planned my day around you even. Well, no more. Those days are done and gone.

What is there for you to worry about? You’ll go on, find someone else, probably a lot of someones. And what about me? We still travel in the same circles. I'm the one who has to endure seeing you entertain other people. Watch as they sneak outside to be with you, searching themselves to find some way to turn you on. I'm the one who has to stand aside, whilst everyone else laughs and jokes in your presence. Always the life of those parties, aren't you? Even as I resolve to make this break clean and forever, I know I will be jealous in those moments.

This is not easy for me. I know I’m gonna wake up tomorrow, and my first thought will be of you. I won’t make it through the day without thinking of you a hundred times. And as hard as tomorrow will be, the next day will be worse, and the next worse still. One day it’ll get better. One day I won’t think of you at all. I cant wait for that day to come. And when it does,.. as clearly as I remember when we first met, I will remember the night of August 31, 2009. The day I smoked my last cigarette.

Why must this be so difficult?

Life changes are always challenging.  Humans are a creature of habit, so any change of habit is tough.  I get that.  But this one seems particularly hard.

I'm leaving my current household after 2 years of getting to know and truly appreciate some great individuals.   I love and cherish these two ladies more than I ever expected to.  Leaving them is difficult enough, but I know in my heart its time for change, and I'm optimistic about my life's next chapter.  So that's not really the problem.  The transition is the problem, and I feel I need to document it in some way so that I can focus on the solutions...

The journey towards a new home started out simple enough.  My brother, CN, and childhood friend, AC, are were both interested in moving to San Francisco, and I decided to join them.  Three bachelors looking for a nice yet affordable pad.  The following bumps in the road went like this:

3-bedroom places in SF out of our price range, we need a 4th.

Picked up one of my current roommates, NV, as a 4th.

Now looking for 4bd place.

Searched for about 2 weeks with minimal results.

Then NV needs to backout for reasons, understandable, yet dis-heartening to me.  

Search now on for a replacement 4th.

Facebook and Gmail status msg updates yield 3 solid potentials in 24 hours.  AE, RV, & IN.  i'm happy.

But now the search expands to 3, 4 or 5 bd places, in case none of, 1 of, or 2 of those leads pan out.   Finding so many options while trying to figure out who is going to work out and who isn't is daunting.

We find a couple potential 4 bd and 5 bd spots.  Nothing exciting about them.  But I stumble upon a brand new, gorgeous 6bd place in our price range that my brother alone does the initial visit on.

After much schedule balancing, I set up an appt for all of us, me, CN, AC, AE, RV & IN to check out.  This looks very promising.

3 hours before our appt., the landlord calls to say some other party put down a deposit.  I have to contact everyone to let them know the search is back on.  But now we have 6!  6!!  We're now looking for a 6d place.  There are not many options.  I'm probably gonna have to cut 1 or 2 people.

2 days later, that same landlord calls, early on a Sunday morning.  The people who put it down need to back out.  And he wants us to look at it, but it needs to be today.  I scramble to get everyone there.  only 3 of us make it, the original 3.  But my bro and I do love the place.  AC not so sure.

Me and my bro put a deposit down to hold the place for 5 days while we (we as in, me) scramble to get the others to see it before then.

Only IN and RV respond, and they plan to see it two days later,Tuesday at 615.

Meanwhile, AE never responds to my email, call & vmail, nor text msgs.

Tues 3pm, I finally get a call from AE on my cellphone, which I answer.  It's a pocket call.  With my name starting with a double A, I'm the first listing in almost everyone's cell phone.  I know pocket calls.  I know them well.  It was a pocket call, backed up with another pocket call a minute later, which i let go to vmail, then confirm.  I was right.

IN and RV look at the place Tuesday with CN and I, and like it very much.  We go to dinner afterward to get to know each other and talk about whats next. Now we need 1 or 2 (AC still iffy)

At dinner, AE calls me... "hey, so i called you around 3pm, but you didnt answer".... "o you're at dinner, okay, well, let me call you later tonite and we'll talk"    O you called me huh?!  ok, ya call me later, we'll talk.   

No call.   ya i dont trust ya man... he's gone

But both IN and RV have potential people to move in with us.

IN's friend, GQ contacts me, we exchange info, she really likes the place (from the pics, which dont do the place justice, so once she sees it, shes in.)  

Now we need only to find out if AC is down to fill our final spot.

He's STILL iffy, and its lookin more and more likely he's not gonna take it.

RV then tells me, "you're gonna hate me...."

She may have to back out due to circumstances beyond her control.  Maybe.

and that's where we stand...

All the while I'm taking the lead in(meaning, I'm doing 96% of) finding out what everyone wants in a place, finding the places, screening them, setting up the appointments, getting people to help me visit the places, setting up and organizing a spreadsheet to keep these places in some logical order so we can make sense of it, finding new people to live with, screening the people, dealing with them as they bail, then finding more new people, screening them, setting up the deposit on the place, organizing the room rent breakdown, and being the overall go-to person for everyone's questions, concerns, and problems along the way.

For all the work i put in, I should be a damn movie producer... at least they get paid at the end of it all.